29th February 2024

5min read

Unlike any other relationships we form as human beings, sibling, and indeed other familial, relationships cannot be broken and despite being bound for life, these relationships are completely involuntary. It’s really quite odd when you think about it.

I am the oldest of four siblings, and it was one of them who suggested this topic for the blog. At first it might seem like a trap, a dare, but actually it is interesting to think about how the experience of having siblings remains a total mystery to the many people who were lucky enough to never have any.

That was a joke for my sibling who threw this gauntlet down. Gotcha.

My experience as the eldest is unique in that I’m the only one of us to have experienced being an only child for a period of my life (a time I’m sure I would look back on quite fondly if only I could remember it), and also the only one to have never had an older sibling. I’m curious to know what that’s really like from their perspective, but they asked me to think about it, so here it is from my point of view.

For the sake of their privacy, if I need to refer to them from here on in, I’ll refer to them as Siblings A, B and C, in order of oldest to youngest. At the time of writing, A is 26, B is 24 and C is a decade younger than me at 19. C is also disabled, more on that later.

As adults we can say we all get on now, but as you might imagine that certainly wasn’t always the case growing up, especially given that B and I shared a room for most of our childhood right up until I left for university. Being much closer in age I can remember A and B being as thick as thieves and undoubtedly got away with far more than I ever could. And every older sibling knows the dreaded line “You’re the eldest, you should know better”. 

It’s an interesting turn of phrase really. As the eldest, in a way you are leading the charge, you are wading through the jungle with a machete cutting the path ahead with no real idea where you’re going because you don’t have anyone to follow. In theory the younger siblings are the ones who ought to know better, having learned from watching you. 

That makes sense in theory, but in practice it ignores the individuality of each sibling and their desire to find their own path. Neither A or B have any interest in going to university, neither of them want a career in media, in fact each of us are completely different people. Quite honestly, to steal a line from sibling A, the truth is if we weren’t siblings we probably wouldn’t even be friends. 

I mentioned C is disabled, needing lifelong 24/7 care. They have epilepsy, global development delay and hypotonia, symptoms resulting from a rare genetic disorder caused by mutations in both copies of the SLC13A5 gene, a new disorder only discovered in the medical field in 2014. Without delving into how this changed the past and present, because I have to keep this blog fairly short and digestible and that would be a lengthy tangent, sibling C does put a unique challenge on the future of our siblingship. Eventually A, B and I will be responsible for decisions about C. This ties us together moreso than just the traditional familial relationship. Siblings, from the anecdotes I hear, have a habit of drifting apart. Family feuds might create divides, they may move far away in pursuit of their own lives. But no matter what the future holds we will be bound to each other by our responsibilities to C for the rest of our lives (we hope, but nothing is certain with a new rare disorder that is still undergoing research). This is certainly a more influential, tangible bond than simply blood relation.

I’m curious about what the future holds for siblings A and B. I’ll enjoy watching them progress (that is, if they ever manage to leave our parents’ house!). They are finding their way in a very different state of the world, and are a totally different generation with ideas, values and challenges of their own generations like mine (despite not being all that far apart) have never considered or are otherwise playing catch up with. 

There’s an odd feeling I have as the eldest that leaves me conscious of not being condescending. Whilst A and B have not specifically expressed it I can imagine younger siblings feel a pressure of being in the shadow of the older. So I’m quite hands off with them. I don’t interfere, I try to avoid unsolicited advice and pretending I know it all (I certainly don’t!). I leave them to find their own way. They know where I am if they need anything. And I think that’s the core of what being a sibling is. I will always be around when they need me, even if we’re not always nearby.

Mirroring the pressure they feel, as the eldest I certainly feel the pressure to be steady and successful. Not to be a role model, but because I know in the distant future it will be my turn for heavy responsibilities to fall on my shoulders. As our parents always have with us, it will be my job to take as much of those burdens off them as possible.

Siblings. You can’t choose them, but you can choose to stick with them.

For more information about the rare SLC13A5 genetic disorder visit https://www.tessresearch.org/, the dedicated research foundation.